|I Give Up
||[Jan. 4th, 2013|06:49 pm]
Symphonic Rock Productions
Today I had an emotional breakdown.
Everything started out okay. I got plenty of sleep. Got up, was doing my chores and feeling good about it. I even got through setting up my appointment for a nuclear stress test, which I'm deathly anxious about.
But then the mother was waiting for me to do something, and the father just wouldn't let me go until it was too late to do it. And between the two of them they worked me up into such a state from being pulled in two directions at once that I broke down, started swearing and smacking the wall – not because of anything they were doing, but because of the impossibility of communicating to them what was wrong. And then them misunderstanding my state only made things worse until I just had to go away and hide.
Now I'm upstairs alone, and I'm still not having much luck calming my emotions down. And I had thought this would be the day I'd sit down and finish an episode to release on Sunday, but obviously that isn't going to happen now.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's pretty obvious something inside my mind is broken or warn out. And it's not getting any better as time goes by.
Anyway, I'm tired of fighting futility. Deadlines only put more pressure on my already stripped gears. I'll write when I'm moved to write, and if I'm lucky writing will end up being a distraction from something more important I'm supposed to be doing.
One thing's for sure. Sitting in front of a screen for hours and only producing 4 paragraphs is more of a waste than my emotions can stand. I'm just going to do something fun and relaxing until I feel the urge to write. Or I'll write other parts of the story that are flowing more freely at the moment.
Basically it doesn't seem to matter anymore. I've no hope of finishing this thing in the state I'm in. Probably never did. So I'll just do what I can on it, and if someone wants to finish it after I'm gone, great. If not, well, maybe it doesn't need to be complete. Anyway, I'm going to stop worrying about it, because worrying myself sick over deadlines isn't getting the work done.
This is a terrible state to be in. I love having so many friends that someone seems to be calling me or IMing me every minute of the day, often 2 or 3 at a time. But damn it, I just can't do two things at once without hurting myself, nor can I bear to tell anyone “I can't take care of you now. I'm doing something for somebody else.”
That's what kills me the most, not being able to tell people don't bother me now, for fear they'll take it the wrong way and never bother me again, or think I'm not interested in them.
When I'm caught between two people who are entirely unaware of each other, like the folks, I can't say anything. I can't communicate at all. It takes too long to compose the words. And Before I've done that, one or the other will spin my mind the other way, and I won't have time to compose a response for them either. All they'll see is me becoming rapidly stressed out of my senses for no apparent reason.
How I got through Christmas I'll never know. I was DJing a party, being IMed, trying to eat Christmas Dinner, and talking on the phone at the same time. I lost a filling, REC's Christmas present was late in the mail, and somebody stole my tips from the Christmas Show. But it was Christmas. I can't be putting anybody off on Christmas.
I often wonder how I got to be so friggen popular. It's not supposed to be that way. I'm supposed to be an ugly geek that no one wants anything to do with. Or at least, that was what my childhood orientation prepared me for. Not that I'm ungrateful in the least for all the love I get. Indeed, I probably appreciate it more than most, because I was always told I wouldn't have it.
But there is a toll one pays for being loveable. Everything you sacrifice for others takes a little bit away from the self. In computer terms, being there for others puts a certain amount of drain on your available resources. And apparently I've got warn out memory cards and an out-dated processor in my head. I'm fine doing one thing at a time, but two things makes my system overheat and become unstable.
I'm broken, that's all there is to it. I've just got to learn my limitations and live with them. And those limitations do not allow for the pressures of a weekly serial or running my own club on SL.
If I can hire a manager to take over the club, great. Otherwise it can just sit there as a monument to an unfulfilled dream. And if folks will be content to let me write when I can without deadlines, great. Otherwise I just have to admit I don't have what it takes to hold an audience and stop trying.